One of my friends was discussing the fourth chapter of Martha Beck’s book, which has the lovely title, “Just Because You’re Paranoid Doesn’t Mean Everybody Isn’t Out To Get You”. I love it! Anyway, this chapter is all about an inner entity composed of what Martha calls “everybodies” who we measure and pass everything we do by. And these everybodies aren’t on our sides, that’s for sure. My friend said, “But what if I say “Nobody thinks I can do it?” And my thinking is that “nobody” is the same thing as a negative everybody- meaning everbody thinks you CAN’T do it.
This is an incredibly powerful concept in Martha’s book. So let me give you the concept:
Clients constantly tell Martha what they can’t do, and they evoke this mysterious “Everybody” as a reason that they can’t quit their jobs, break up with their significant others, wear Birkenstocks, etc.
“In fact,” Martha writes, “everybody’s Everybody is composed of just a few key people.” (p 60). It’s the humaness we have, that primate spirit of wanting to belong to the band (and I mean monkey band, not the Monkees), which makes us want to go along with the group and fit the heck in. Psychologists have a term for it, the “generalized other”.
How powerful is it? In a nutshell-
“No matter how deeply your essential self longs to find the real love, the real mission, the real meaning of your life, your social self will not let you embrace those things as long as Everybody disapproves. The social self isn’t opposed to your reaching your North Star, per se; it just won’t allow you to proceed toward it until you get Everybody’s permission. Actually, the social self would prefer that you don’t do anything, anything at all, until Everybody kneels down and begs you to do it” (p 60).
A central challenge with starting to do things your Essential Self wants to do is that the Social Self calls Everybody into play, and many or most of the things the Essential Self wants to do are disapproved of by Everybody.
What’s the answer to the challenge? You change your Everybody to people who are extreme encouragers. First you need to find out who the heck your Everybody is.
The Exercise
First you finish these sentences: “People judge me because…Everyone loves it when I…When I do well, people feel…Nobody will let me…Everybody always tells me to…People just can’t accept the fact that I…When I fail, everyone thinks…Nobody cares when I…Society keeps telling me I have to…Everybody expects me to…”. Then you list six people who genuinely and sincerely match up to those sentences.
Martha suggests it is hard to get more than three individuals for that last step. And that small group of individuals is what your subconscious has used to create that generalized other.
“An important point about your Everybody list is that it’s probably made up partly of loved ones and partly of hated ones. Yes, it’s true: Every single day, you hand over control of your life to the very people you most dislike. This irony is almost universal. Especially when you’re striking out in a new direction, feeling a bit scared and vulnerable, the voice of Everybody begins to sound just like the most demanding, rigid, narrow-minded, and, frankly, stupid people you know. Why? Because the social self is programmed to avoid danger, and nasty people are far more dangerous than the loving, accepting folks in your universe” (p 66).
Following this exercise, Martha goes on (assuming, I think rightly, that a lot of family members end up in Everybody) to stress that many people think that Everybody is just like their families of origin. Who may be different levels of wacky, different levels of healthy, and different levels of holding on to a past picture of who you are based on who you used to be. She reminds us, “Listen carefully: Your family of origin does not know how to get you to your North Star. They didn’t when you were little, they don’t now, and they never will. It isn’t their job” (p 70).
So ignore the “Are you thinking of doing THAT?” “You can’t do that!” “I’m glad you like that, but don’t you think you should spend more time doing the other?”
Another powerful source of Everybody is the media. Media ‘ideals’ Martha stresses, are the exception rather than the rule, and they are a poor measuring stick for value. In addition to the media, Martha mentions another large source of Everybody power, which is the early ideological training that people get. “…I have noticed,” she writes, “that clients who were raised with religious or political devotion to poverty, suffering, and celibacy tend to feel a lot of resistance from Everybody when they later decide they want wealth, happiness, and romance” (p71). Schools, peers, and organizations also contribute to the Everybodies that people carry inside.
Is your Social Self moving you toward or away from your North Star? Check with your heart to note your direction…
Do you believe…1) you’re a natural born winner? 2) the world is full of people who want to be your friends? 3) that you’ll always have plenty of money? 4) that you deserve a life of joy and fulfillment? 5) that you’re physically beautiful and always will be? 6) that you can be wildly successful career-wise? 7) that you have an incredibly capable and great brain? 
that you’re just plain loveable the way you are? 9) that you are creative to a high level? and 10) THAT WHAT YOU DREAM IS NOW IN THE PROCESS OF COMING TRUE? (p 76).
Take it Martha-
“I believe that all ten of these statements can, and should, be true for every single person on this planet so I’ll be blunt: If you marked “don’t believe” on any of the self-image statements, your generalized other is lying” (p 76).
Now let’s replace the old Everybody with a new Everybody that supports our Essential Selves.
In Chapter 6 “Getting Everybody On Your Side”, Martha tells us how to do just that by identifying people who approve of our new directions and favor our dreams. Take the exercise from chapter size with the ten questions. Take a paper and draw a line vertically down the middle. Now, look at the first question, and try to write down five people on the left side that told you that it WASN’T true that the world is full of people who want to be your friends. On the right side, try to write down five people who told you it WAS true that the world is full of people who want to be your friends. Then proceed down the numbers.
Now take your list, and look at the names on the left side. Martha wants you to think of how you feel when you look at them- not what you think about their opinions, but what you think about THE PEOPLE. And then considering both columns, which people do you like and respect more? Which people have happier, more fulfilling lives, stable relationships? If you had to have a baby of your raised by people, which column would you choose? (p 88)
“Most people find that the folks on the left are living in the grip of their own highly critical Everybodies. They’re often people whose personal dreams have been dashed, or who see themselves as victims, or who are so frightened of life that they project their timidity onto everyone around them. Not infrequently, your left-hand list will include really destructive people whose essential selves have all but vanished, leaving pod beings who rarely even bother to do a reasonable imitation of actual humans.” (p 89)
Getting to Changing Everybody
1) Create a positive feedback list that you put all over and reread. List everything you remember people telling you. You can also write a list of anything positive people in the right hand side said about you, and all your small, medium, and large accomplishements. The idea is to make up for an accumulation over years of negative commentary.
2) “Display pictures and mementos of people who believe in you. Do not display pictures of people who attack your true self.” (p 93)
A relatively new friend of mine (one year) who’s in my right hand column sent me a picture card for Christmas. I feel an actual happy thrill when I look at this picture. My plan is to use Microsoft Paint to put together a big composite of my new Everybodies and then sent it to Snapfish to make a big photo.
Martha suggests that readers sweep through their houses and take down and “bury” photos and mementos from their left-hand column Everybodies.
3) Write an autobiography. Then write it again with yourself as a helpless victim (she suggests this gets it out of your system). Then write it as a humorous story. Finally write it as a hero’s saga.
The underlying idea here is to shake your story up. And Martha argues that as soon as you believe in your potential for success, you will be able to start becoming successful.
4) Be picky about the media you expose yourself to. In short, read/watch things that support your Essential Self and help you feel good, and don’t read/watch things that do the opposite.
5) Get third party straight-shooter opinions on your left-hand column Everybody representatives. This helps you better replace them! Martha suggests three different people or groups of people who are unrelated so you get different points of view. And make sure these people realize you want very honest opinions (while not reacting defensively).
6) “Hang with Your Tribe”: Where is your time? Give your time to the supportive encouraging people and limit and/or stop spending time with people who do not support you.
So that’s the story. This is a huge unconscious force which moves us all. And we can harness it for our own best good. The “old” Everybody will rear its head as you change your life, but you can use Martha’s techniques to wack it down again. You need to because “Despite our individualistic culture’s pretense that we can all build our dreams by our little lonesomes, the truth is that we must have social support to do something as audacious as finding our own North Star” (p 103).
Begin your audaciousliciousness by giving your old Everybody a boot and welcoming in your encouraging Everybody.
