Yes! Yes! Yes! Finding Your Own North Star Part III

“I know for sure that whenever your gut is out of kilter, trouble awaits. Your gut is your inner compass. Whenever you have to consult with other people for an answer, you’re headed in the wrong direction. I got it. I get it. I know it for sure.”- Oprah Winfrey

We’ve finished the chapter on how to know our Essential Self is saying no- so it’s time to move on to how it says yes.  Martha Beck tells readers of this chapter that they may be brightened and cheered by this activity, or they may have trouble. “These exercises require you to look back on experiences where your essential self said “Yes!” Some people literally can’t remember any such experiences. Others can, but don’t want to”  (p 41). The reason? Because when you’re in a difficult place, thinking of good things may hurt. She suggests to read through the chapter and don’t push yourself if you find it painful.

Martha starts the chapter by talking about her choice of an undergraduate major. She majored in Chinese, but the truth was she really wanted to major in Visual Arts. But that just wasn’t cool and her social self made her slog through the Chinese major. “I do believe that if I’d chosen art as my major, the next few years would have been more enjoyable, more fulfilling, and easier…I’m basing this conjecture on experiences I’ve had since: both the times that I ignored my essential self shouting “Yes!” and the times I listened to it” (p 40).

So let’s get to the exercise. Similar to saying “no” , you’re going to come up with lists in categories, and then finally put things together into a YES! scenario.

1) Category: Activities that give you an energy surge. Consider times of “considerable peppiness” (p 43). List three energy-inducing people, places, or things.

2) Category: Times at which your health was BETTER than usual. (Martha tells an interesting story about Katherine, who was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer. She picked up and moved to a beautiful town because she had nothing to lose, and ended up getting a new job and making friends. Ten years later she is healthy and in a new life.) Another aspect to think about for this category is times when you got hurt but it didn’t affect you much or should have gotten sick because you were pushing yourself but didn’t. List three times.

3) Category: Supermemory. What kind of information do you have the best memory for? Martha gives examples of popular song lyrics, calorie counts, names of people, celebrity gossip, cartoon episodes… List three categories of super-memory ifnormation.

4) Category: Losing track of time. List three activities that make you forget what time it is.

5) Category: People who make you feel socially adept, relaxed, and confident. Martha reminds us that our Essential Self signals liking someone with two signs: relaxation and empathy. Comfort in our own skins and a feeling of mutual understanding. List three people.

6) Category: Magnetic Attraction. In this category you’re going to think of people, places, and things that drew you in like super magnets. This is not a feeling that you’re going toward your North Star, it’’s an intense chemical attraction that wipes your mind for a while. “For exampe, when you’re looking at something you find intensely appealing, your pupils dilate and your rate of blinking drops, as though your eyes are tyring to take in more of what you’re seeing. Your pulse rate may quicken, but instead of panic you’ll feel a flood of euphoria and desire” (p 50).  Martha reminds us that if this happens with people, it isn’t the same as a relationship and burns bright and hot and disappears. She also talks about things other than people that cause ‘urges to merge” such as playing an instrucment, making something, collecting something- and her own, playing with interior housepaint. “I myself often feel the Urge to Merge in regard to (this is true) interior house paint. My essential self has bizarrely powerful reactions to color, and when I look over a bunch of paint strips, picking out the right shade for this or that wall, I can feel my eyeballs start to twirl like a dazzled cartoon character’s” (p 51). List three times when you felt strangely drawn to a person, place, or thing.

7) Category: Wonderful mood. List three times you felt remarkably cheerful, especially if these moods seem due to something that is unaccountable to others. “By noticing these good moods and pursuing the activities that produce them, you reconnect yourself with the navigational instruments that lead to your true path” (p 54).

So, at this point, Martha points out that reconnection to positive feelings may scare us, as our Essential Selves suddenly realize that we need “major life remodeling”. Don’t worry, she says, “You don’t have to do one single thing right now except reconnect your social and essential selves. The revolution will not begin until you give the go-ahead, and you’ll do that when you’re damn good and ready” (p 55).

Putting It All Together

It’s time for the best-case scenario!

“It’s an incredibly beautiful day. The air is clear, the scenery dazzling, and you’re setting out to do”… (#1- the most high energy activity) with (#2- your fave person)…”You’ve got no other responsibilities, no immediate deadlines, and no major problems weighing you down. You feel great, even better than you did back when you were”…(3- your most positive association best health situation) “In fact, you’re in the best physical shape of your life: strong, lean, robust, and full of energy. You’re having a great conversation about”…(4- the information you like the most & remember well) “when a message arrives for you. It’s a letter from the president, saying that you have been chosen to recieve a lifetime of financial support for doing”… (5- most absorbing activity) This will require you to spend a lot of time with”…(6- most positive urge to merge item) “You feel just the way you did when”… (7- your happiest mood setting) “only more so. Lie back for a minute, take in the scenery, and enjoy knowing that this is basically how you’re going to spend the rest of your life” (p57).

So you’ve got the scenario- read it over and visualize it. As you’re doing that, notice how it feels inside your body. Martha writes, “Many people experience their true path not as something that happens to them but as the simultaneous loss of self and complete connection to the universe” (p 57).

So, feel it inside of you- and realize that this is your YES.

“Believe it or not, this sensation- not pain, not self-sacrifice, not stoic numbness- is the surest indicator that you’re on the path that will lead you to fulfilling relationships, a productive career, and the best possible effect you can have on the world. Keep turning toward it as best you can, and eventually you’ll find yourself headed due north” (p 58).

Best wishes on your journey!