How to Move Forward by Being Clear About Your Desires (I)

I’ve started working myself out of a quagmire that I’d created through my unconscious way of living life. Many of my teachers (adults around) growing up taught me “don’t lose” rather than “this is how you win“. They taught me to aim small and low and to not trust myself in taking risks and doing novel things. I don’t blame them- this is what they knew and thought was the way to be. I thought I had truly rebelled against this, but I found that in fact, my unconsidered as well as my considered choices echoed those childhood voices in ways large or small.

I thought that one relative, the most successful in my family, had avoided the familial self-sabotage in terms of success. But recently, I found out that his career, which is nice and OK, could have been much better if there hadn’t been some shooting of the self in the foot some years ago (figuratively!). Again, I think it was very much a product of unconscious choices and naivete. Thinking of this makes me feel a little sad, for I wish that person a glowingly successful career. Yesterday I tried sharing a little of what I’ve been learning about creating new paradigms for success and not following the stories of others about how to be successful in a very gentle “hey, here’s some ideas to keep an open mind about…maybe you could tweak them or they could start a seed of something novel…”. But there were some very sticky stories being held on to as to why things won’t change.

I think a lot of people, when they have experienced many setbacks and/or relationship losses (friends, family, significant others) just can’t think past their wishful thinking that has been dashed. They stay attached to what I read more and more are the “sticky stories” that we tell ourselves about our lives.

I’ve had one friend, whom I perhaps have mentioned before in a posting, who tells herself a story about her last relationship. “He was the love of my life,” she said to me more than once. I wasn’t close enough to her to suggest she apply Byron Katie’s “The Work” to this story and shake it up. I mean, this “love of her life” wasn’t willing to move to be with her in this country, nor would she consider moving to be with him in his.  But telling herself that story allowed her to stay mired in frozen grief and not look forward to a real relationship where people could merge their lives.

Stories make pain stick to us. Who knew? Not me. There are a lot of things we can do to get past the grief of the past, including telling ourselves new stories, affirmations, and griefwork. Another thing is opening the door of our lives to a new way of being in the future.

I had a horrible horrible time of trying to see past the painful burden of the accumulated grief that dropped on me after a series of losses- two close friends, a desired career, and two boyfriends. The last breakup managed to push every single button (that I’m now aware of in intimate detail) and bring all of the grief from these things down on my head with a vengeance.

And here’s where I escape depression. It is not long-term clinical depression when you are GENUINELY reacting to a life event. It is an event-related depression when the feelings are stuck inside you because you are not releasing them and you push them down for the recent incident and then perhaps in a small way or moderately from other incidents in the past- which may end up snowballing over a long time (thus “de” “press”). Many authors I have read (including Beck) remind readers that if you stop feeling negative feelings, you also limit your ability to feel positive ones. Anyway, the procedure I’ve used to be clear about my positive future involves at least starting to move through accumulated and recent grief. (Note: I think some family systems of behavior result in people closing off most grief- and that is such a heavy burden that a therapist seems very necessary and helpful. But remember to “shop around” and do one-offs to choose the one right for you if you’re in this serious situation).

I owe a debt of gratitude to songwriter/musician/blogger Christine Kane (www.christinekane.com) who helped me start this process with her posting “What to Do if You Don’t Know What to Do”. In combination with the approach of Susan Elliott (www.gettingpastyourpast.com) and Martha Beck, I’ve cobbled something together that I’m still in the process of actualizing. But it feels pretty right.

I’ve read about vision boards, and not only did they seem fun, but it was a kind of exciting idea. But I knew I couldn’t make one unless I could lift myself out of the despondency and inability to see a good future for myself. I tried journaling, but I couldn’t even write anything. I couldn’t think of what I wanted.

I kept on showing up with my journal to write, and then I’d not do it. I’d watch a show instead with my journal in my lap.  Guess what? Resistance is a clue that you really need to do something. So I finally was sad and frustrated, and I said to myself, “Self, when was the last time you knew what you wanted?” And I mentally went back before more of my losses and was able to write something down. As soon as I finished the last word I began to cry.

This is what Martha Beck calls frozen grief. There it was, waiting for me. As you may know, crying is cleansing. It allows you to release physical energy in your body, and in fact, holding on to it is detrimental to health and general well-being.

Once I got that over with, I was able to go to the next step. Instead of immediately going to “what I want now”, I took a page from Christine Kane and took a half-step. I wrote about what I didn’t want. And boy did I have some things to say. The great thing about this is that it gave me a clear template for the next step. After you write what you don’t want, it’s over- it’s gone- don’t set your mind on it anymore. Write what you DO want.

That was pretty super-simple once I had done the prior work. Wow. Just writing what I wanted had a really good effect on me. And I felt ready for that next fun step I was anticipating. The Vision Board.